You Can Just Call Me "Audg"

My daughter is amazing. She definitely was not planned by me, but God allowed me to be blessed through her birth and life. Her name is Audrey and she is incredibly smart. At four and half years old, she is reading books by herself. She doesn't always get every word correct, but she is easy to teach and she learns quickly when corrected. One of her brothers' name is Asher, whom we sometimes call "Dash" for short. Audrey doesn't really have a nickname, but one day she told us we could just call her "Audg," which of course we find adorable.

Audrey at about 18 months. I call this her "Vogue Pose" though she didn't really try to pose for the picture.

Second birthday party in her (okay, my) favorite green eyelet dress from Aunt Miss.

Dancing at a friend's wedding.

Christmas 2012, hanging the new ornament from Grammy.

This girl is always happy! She wakes up in the best of moods and I often have to catch up to her energy. She truly treats every single day with a new joy. It's like nothing ever in her life has gone wrong before when she wakes up in the morning. This is good for me, because sometimes I am a little hard on her. (Confession from a learning-how-to-do-it mama.) I know the day will come when she will remember the events from the day before, so I am working hard on being outrageously happy right along with her. After all, we do have quite a lot to be thankful for.
Lately, my favorite thing about her character is watching her utter trust and belief in Jesus. It is so amazing to watch the fruition of Jesus' teaching about believing like a child. There is no doubt in her mind that not only does God exist, but He is who He says He is, and does what He says He will do. Faith like a child is exemplified in her. I pray she keeps that faith through all of her years.

When My Son Dances

It is just so stinkin' cute! He could be doing any other activity (usually copying his older sister because whatever she is doing must be fun) and when he hears any type of music, he will stop and start to dance. He bounces up and down, though not necessarily to the beat, which just makes it even more adorable. And he waves his arms. Sometimes he claps. Sometimes he spins. Whatever moves he decides to bust out just make my heart burst with love for him.
It is such a joy to see my son developing physically. He's had medical issues, nothing terminal, but enough to make his development quite a bit slower than normal. The doctors think that cognitively he is fine, but he is almost two and still wears twelve month clothing. For a while, he wasn't even on the growth charts. Talk about scary. It is now written in his charts, "Failure to Thrive." It truly breaks my heart that he has suffered in this way (and other ways). He still has issues and is looking surgery in the face soon. However, in many ways, he is just like any other two year old.
He expresses every single emotion he is having, whenever and wherever he has it. Often these days, it feels like his only emotion is frustration. I can understand why. He is wanting to participate in life on a more independent level, but does not have the words to use to tell us what it is he wants or needs. He is delayed in speech and I fear that these "terrible twos" will last for an extended year. As much as I understand, I have two other children to care for and I can't always respond to his tantrum. Nor do I think it is appropriate to coddle him. He has to learn to find a way to communicate that does not involve screaming and crying. (He used to throw himself on the floor, too, but quickly learned that when the head meets tile in a battle, the tile wins.) I will bring this up to his speech therapist when we see her next. For now, it is constant reminders, "What do you want?"and, "Use your words." Maybe this emotional display, which feels constant at times, it why I enjoy so much watching him have fun.
His love for music and for dancing brings life back to the simple joys. It is these joyful times that I cherish and dwell on. He is such a sweet boy, and watching him go through this inability to speak clearly is really difficult. (As a side-note, my daughter was and is very verbally advanced. At four years old, she is reading entire books by herself with help only on new, big words that she hasn't seen before. So watching my son not be able to communicate clearly is a first for me.) He loves his older sister and his baby brother. He LOVES to "guggle" (snuggle) with his blanket in mommy and daddy's lap. He follows his sister around the house, or park, or church, or anywhere we go. It's so cute to watch him learn how to be a kid, from another kid.
As his second birthday approaches, I reflect on our happy anticipation of our sweet boy. We were so excited to be parents again. We couldn't wait to see what gift God had in store for us. And He did not disappoint. Our son has been the most challenging child so far. (We'll see how little brother holds up, but so far he's been the easiest.) Most of those challenges were health related. It was difficult to focus on the wonder of him for a long time because I was so worried about his health. However, when I lay aside my worry, and look at him for who he is, I am overwhelmed with love. He is precious to me, and I wouldn't trade him for health any day. I feel honored and privileged to be given the responsibility of raising this magnificent boy.
Lord help me to show him You!

Still working on tummy time at 10 months.

Fun at a wedding.

Asher is playing "Doctor" with his sister. The hospital gown is from when he had surgery. I am not sure we were supposed to keep it, but it ended up going home with us and serves as a reminder of God's faithfulness with all that he's been through.

He has the best sad faces. I personally love the huge crocodile tear, lol.

He has a sweet disposition and is usually very tolerant of his eye patch.

New Family Tradition

Growing up we did not really partake in family traditions. I mean, we always had a meal on big holidays, and we had Easter baskets, but nothing solid. Nothing that I can now continue with my children. For some families, I guess that traditions are not that important, and that's fine for them. However, for some reason, I feel like I really need to have something that our family does together every week, or at least most weeks. Something that we all enjoy and look forward to.
This evening, we invited over my mother-in-law (MIL) for popcorn and a movie. I made a batch of kettle corn using my brand new whirley-pop, and we all agreed to watch Disney's classic, Peter Pan. The kettle corn was gone in about 10 minutes, at which point I suggested we take an intermission to make some more. I was promptly out-voted and the movie continued. (Don't fret for me though, I made some more after the kids were put to bed and am currently enjoying the deliciousness.) I think the kids are still a little too young to sit through the entire movie without getting somewhat distracted, especially my two year old. On the whole though, it was a very fun evening. With a few adjustments (starting a little earlier and preparing the kids for bed before the movie), I think this will be a great, weekly family tradition. Maybe in the future, we'll have popcorn and board games, or some other fun, family activity, but for now, it makes me happy to snuggle with my family and just "be" with each other. :)
(PS - I also enjoyed a glass of red wine with my kettle corn. Classy, eh?)

Heaven

Heaven has been on my mind lately. Not in a morbid, "I can't wait to get there!" sort of way. Just in a curious way.

Recently, I heard a sermon talking about how we will be workers when we get to heaven. The idea sounds heinous at first, but I listened to the whole sermon with an open heart. One point that makes it not such a horrific lesson is that I believe God made us with the desire to work. So when we're in heaven, we will have such joy in our work, we will actually be, well, joyful about working! And you know how as humans, we look for fulfillment in our work, and all too often we don't find it? Well, that will not be an issue in heaven.

It's interesting to me how here on Earth, we all feel like there was a certain job that we were created to do. And we strive to build our lives around that. Perhaps we were created for a particular job. Certainly there are those of us who were "called" to whatever they're doing. But I would venture to guess that the majority of us just follow our interests. Even if that interest is solely in earning money to make living, we pursue whatever career will fulfill that interest. However, even when we've reached that goal of career fulfillment, there is always something missing. And on the occasion, we get tired, worn down, fed up and just done. So how is it again that I am supposed to look forward to working in heaven?

For one thing, we will be utterly fulfilled in heaven. There won't be any jealousy, or envy in the workplace in heaven. We won't have the urge to "keep up with the Jones'." We won't be working to pay the bills, or save money for this or that. We will know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that we are doing exactly what we were created to do. How will we know? We will simply be working to glorify God, which is truly what we were created for in the first place. 

So often I feel like what I do isn't where I want to be and isn't really what I was created for. I get caught up in the idea that I should have a career by now, instead of being a stay at home mom. I should be done with college and helping mamas bring their precious little ones into this world. I should be established in my career, and be called upon to do my job because nobody else does my job better than I do. People should look up to me and think highly of me. I should be making money. Oh, and I should be glorifying Jesus while I am at all of these other "shoulds."

Then I am reminded that what I am doing today, is exactly what God wants me to be doing. Glorifying God is the first reason to do any kind of work. Right now, I am nourishing His children that he has granted me guard over. When I love my children, I am storing up treasures in heaven. Because by the grace of God, they will be one of those treasures. And when I think about that, then suddenly, the treasures that I seek after here on Earth, seem so silly. I don't need to prove myself to my peers, I don't need to look for fulfillment in anyone or anything else.When I am heaven-minded, I am glorifying God. I am fulfilled. There is no magic job that is going to make me excited to work all of the time. But when I remember why I work, why I do what I do, I should be happy to step up.

Being a stay at home isn't going to get me any trophies or accolades. I certainly won't be "well known" or "well to-do." But right now, I am doing to most important job I could be, and that is something. Surely I should strive to do the best I can at it, even on those days that I am tired, worn-down and fed-up. Who knows what I will be doing for a job when I am in heaven, but I don't have to wait until I get there to find fulfillment in my work. I just have to remember who I work for, and why.

Quiet times and Sanity

My third child was born this past December, and for almost the first month of his life, our family was able to adjust to this new addition with the help of my husband. He spent a year saving up all of his vacation time, and spent it almost all of it at one once when baby arrived. I cannot express how thankful I am to him for staying home with us. That times was precious and desperately needed. It afforded us the opportunity to not only get used to being a family of five, but to also introduce our baby to my family in California. On the whole, I think we had done a fairly good job at adjusting to this "new" life. Nevertheless, the first week my husband was back at work was terrifying for me. 

I had this notion that if I didn't keep on top of every single chore, I would surely drown. So I made myself wake up before my older two children. This was rather easy because my husband leaves for work around 6:30 a.m. and I am a terribly light sleeper. Not to mention, my newborn requires some nourishment fairly early in the morning as well. So by 7 a.m. I am out of  bed and begin my morning routine. It has occurred to me since starting this ritual, that routines aren't just for children, they're helpful for adults, as well.

The routine actual starts the evening before when I prepare the coffee pot. All I have to do in the morning is groggily push the "on" button and wait for the nectar to brew. While it's brewing, I put some toast in the toaster, drink a glass of water, and choose my starbucks mug of the day. (I have more than 30 Starbucks mugs which I have been collecting for about 7 years. I enjoy choosing a mug to reflect my mood that morning.) By the time my toast is buttered, the coffee is ready to be poured. My breakfast comes with me to my favorite room in the house. I think of it as a multipurpose/family room, but my husband likes to call it the "den." Maybe it's a guy thing. Anyway, I bring my coffee, my toast, my devotional and my Bible to the den with me. While I eat and drink, I pray, read and reflect.

It's such a peaceful time in the morning before the chaos of a 4 year old and nearly 2 year old invades. Don't get me wrong, I love the chaos, and I love my children. But this mama has benefited from having my own routine without the children to distract me. There have been a few days that I have decided to sleep in instead of getting up early. Every single one of those days has been more challenging than when I pull myself out of bed early. When I have my own time with God, and a cup of coffee, I am much more patient, kind, and loving throughout the day, than when I neglect the routine. Truth be told, I am also quite a bit more involved. What I mean is, instead of just watching my children play, I join in the fun more readily. I know my kids relish this time, as do I, and I hope that they remember these days better than the lazy ones during which I am more prone to simply observe.

And those chores I mentioned, well, I am actually better able to tackle those as well. I will say, by the end of the day, I am more than ready for bed. However, not surprisingly, going to bed by 9:30 makes it all the easier to wake up by 7.  All that to say, these quiet times, and my new-found routine, has done it's part to maintain my sanity.

Motherhood

There is so much meaning behind this one word. I often wonder if I am doing "motherhood" correctly. It's not just that I have given birth to and am currently feeding, clothing, bathing and protecting three human beings. Motherhood is so much more involved than that.

I keep thinking about my children in the future. Will they be secure enough in my love for them, that they won't go looking for compensation somewhere else? And more importantly than that, will they be secure in Christ's love for them so that after all the times I fail, they will still not go looking for compensation?

Today I read a blog about children who are getting neglected because their parents are so "plugged in." The blogger called it "inattention neglect," I think. I began to ponder whether my kids have suffered because of my inattention. It didn't take long for me to come to the conclusion that yes, they have. Maybe not constantly or or even regularly, but there have been times that I tell my daughter to wait to ask me a question because I am responding to a text, or reading a post on Facebook. And when I nurse my newborn and should be reveling in in beauty, I am instead playing on my phone. Oh, that is SO wrong of me.

Sometimes I even try to justify it. I think, "I just need a quick break." Let's face it, being a full time mama is not always easy. There are moments when I truly do need a break. In fact, I have begun locking my bedroom door when I use the bathroom in my room, just to have a few minutes of privacy. But trying to find that break by texting or facebooking is just going to lead to frustration for my children and for myself.

So, how do I show my kids I love them in ways that are real to them? Of course I feed them. That is real, but that is also obligatory. Here are some ideas I have come up with. They are so simple, and probably everybody knows them. In the long run, though, they will pave the way to meaningful relationships in the future. And it starts with putting down the phone, closing the computer, and turning off the television.

1) Look at them when they are talking to me. (Not at the computer/phone/tv.)
2) Be excited with them when they accomplish something.
3) Show interest in whatever they're interested in at the moment. (My son brings me rocks from the backyard. They're treasures to him, and should be to me as well, at least for the moment.)
4) Ask about what they did during quiet time/Sunday school/at a friend's house/grandparents' house/school (when they get to that age.)
5) Don't underestimate physical affection. Hugs and kisses every time I get a chance.
6) Actually suggest an activity to do together.
7) Sit down together at the table for meals.
8) Read books and talk about the story together.
9) Talk to them about Christ and let them ask questions.

There is one common thread in all of these ideas. Togetherness. It cannot be overdone.
The problem is, I often feel such a burden to keep the house clean, get the bills paid, feed the pets, do the grocery shopping, etc. This burden weighs so heavily at times that I find myself running out of not just time, but energy. And what energy I do have left, is all-too-often directed at something other than my beautiful babies.

The cure for this is also simple though, maybe not always easy. I have to ask myself, "Am I doing the right things today, that will set us up for a good relationship in the future?" And, "Is it more important to have a clean house, or happy children?"And lastly, most importantly, "Can my children see God's love for them, through my caring for them?"

I know I will fail as I have always done. But if Jesus can take time out of His most important tasks to bless the children, then surely I can, too. After all, they won't remember that the house was never clean. What they will remember is that I took time to get to know them.

Jesus, please help me to stay focused on the Task at hand. It is by your will that I am a mother at all, and I pray that I am faithful with this work you have entrusted to me. Give me the strength to not just "get through" the day, but to embrace every moment with my children with all of my attention. When I am tired, fill me up. Let me seek you, and be renewed with energy and a passion for my children. I've heard that these years will go by quickly, so help me to treasure every moment, even when I feel overwhelmed. For even you beckoned the children to your side. Shine through my actions, my words, and my heart. And may they know who you are in spite of my weaknesses. Amen.

There Are Times - Part 2

Picking up where I left off.

I was fourteen years old when I went to live with the Browns. The ten days that I was supposed to have stayed with them, came and went. Even in that short amount of time, I could tell that the world I had been raised in, was vastly different from the environment in this household. I wanted more than ten days, I wanted permanent. The apartment that my parents were able to rent, had two bedrooms, and one bathroom. Since there were several boys, and just one girl, I was put in the dining room to sleep, with a cubicle wall to give me privacy. I didn't think too much of it then, but looking back, I cry for that teenage girl.

It strikes me now, that at this point, I had no clue how Paul, Debbie or Melissa felt about my living with them. In any case, somehow a deal was struck. They invited me to live with them part time, and I took what I could get. Sometimes I would stay with them just for the weekends, and sometimes I would stay with them for a week, and then at home for a week. It may not have been expressed adequately back then (my family didn't talk about feelings, so I didn't know how to), but I hope that they know how greatful I was, and still am, for not just their hospitality, but for their rescue of me. This again, is one those times that I remember God's love. However, you can't just throw a person into a family, and expect there to be no kinks to work out.

Melissa is not Paul and Debbie's only daughter. She is the youngest of three, Sarah being the oldest and Jenny right in between. By the time I got there, Sarah was married and out of the house, Jenny was engaged, working full time and going to school full time. She was married the summer after I came to the family. That left Melissa and I by ourselves most of the time. We loved like sisters, and we fought like sisters... a lot. It's funny now, but back then, in the midst of teenage craziness, it was real, and somewhat intense. The fighting is just part of the bonding though. As we fought, we also grew closer. We would often make night time trips to target, and come home with a bunch of crap to redecorate our rooms with, using money that neither of us really should have spent. Debbie would also chastise us for spending the money, but I think she liked seeing us bond in that way, and so she was never too harsh. Melissa and I jumped into sisterhood without hesitation, but my relationship with Paul and Debbie was slow-going, and often confusing. Where was the balance between their role in my life, and my own parents' role?

To the credit of both of them, they didn't force things, too much. A lot of our relationship centered around their gentle admonition, and teaching me Christ-like behavior. Night times with Debbie were like therapy sessions (she has a way of getting to the heart of the matter). Before long, she knew my life story, and she challenged me to move beyond my fears and break down walls. Paul led by example. He woke early every morning to study God's word and worked hard for his family. He and I shared a love of music, specifically, singing. We often sang together on the praise team at church, and he helped our youth group's singing group as well. I felt closer to, and received more love from these two "strangers" than I ever did in my own home. It was clear then, that I was bound to this family. There were times when I was terrified that it would end, but who was I to question devine intervention?

By the time high school was over, my step mom had left and had taken her sons with her. My brother was scarcely at home, and I couldn't take the sad state of the apartment anymore. I asked my dad if I could live with the Brown's full time. He complied. I was torn by guilt, and joyess freedom. Though I always make an effort to include my dad in my life, I know he was hurt by that.

Not knowing what I wanted to do really, I started attending the local community college. Having lived together for several years now, Melissa and I grew together and the fighting got less dramatic and less frequent. I attended college for a couple of years earning credit towards my general education classes, while also working part time. I took a semester off college to join a touring Christian singing group. Paul and Debbie started a college-age Bible study. Jenny moved away with her husband. Sarah and her husband had a baby. Jenny and husband came back, and then also had a baby. Melissa got married and moved out. It came time for me to choose a university to attend.

Intimidated by the process, and fearful of the debt I was likely to incur, I started looking for other options. For some reason, I couldn't get the idea of enlisting in the Air Force out of my head. Never one to stop and think rationally about my options, I signed up. (I should say that during these years between beginning my relationship with the Browns until I joined the Air Force, there are many details that I am leaving out for the sake of keeping a blog to a readable length. There are so many things though, that I can see God's handiwork in. Maybe in the future, I will detail a few of those experiences, but they really deserve their own post.) Joining the Air Force, though I didn't know it, was an unmistakeable act of God. The experiences I had during my enlistment, definitely bring me to tears, even today. They are among the times that God has proven His infinite love for me, even in the midst of my disobedience.

Don't worry, there will be a part three.